What is aftercare?

Aftercare is defined by Merriam Webster as:

the care, treatment, help, or supervision given to persons discharged from an institution (such as a hospital)

and while this is close, I personally believe a better definition for our purposes would be

the care, treatment, or supervision for those in one’s charge

It’s simple and gets to the point. Aftercare is essentially taking care of someone that we have played with. Whether this be a simple fire-cupping or and intense impact scene.

Let’s face it, this is an area that is preached nearly as much as consent, yet how often do we talk about what aftercare looks like?

I’m not going to lead you on and say this is the definitive guide to aftercare, that you will need no other details than what is provided here. I’m going to be honest, just as in the legal world, the answer to after is: it depends.

When?

When do we figure it out?

When should aftercare be discussed? Should it be a few days after a session? In the middle of one? No. The discussion of each individual’s wants and needs as it relates to aftercare should be thoroughly covered during the negotiations of a scene. While I covered this in my “Playing with others” writing, Mercey pointed out it may be helpful to cover this here.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in the excitement of a new scene that we may overlook the importance of aftercare. Even if you are in a well established dynamic, if you are trying something new, or bringing a new individual into a session aftercare should be thoroughly discussed as the needs of everyone involved can change depending on the type of play, those involved, or even if everyone has eaten recently. (Take away: It’s subject to change due to any and everything)

When does it end?

This is a tricky question to answer. Typically I’d say aftercare ends once there is no longer any risk to the individual from the events of your session. If you did a knife play scene with cutting involved, I’d say your aftercare ends once all cuts are healed and there is no infection. If you did some form of mind play (degradation/humiliation/mind fuck/etc) it varies on the person’s mental state.

Typically I tend to check in a few times the week following a session to be sure anyone I played with isn’t having an adverse effects whether mentally or physically.

If there are any, I believe it’s the Top’s responsibility to see these through and ensure they are taken care of, even if it simply means keeping tabs on it, or (to the more extreme) helping pay a related medical bill.

I don’t mean to say you should be on top of them 24/7 but regular check ins and letting them know you genuinely care about them as a human being can go a long ways. Extended aftercare is typically something that will slowly taper off and usually doesn’t last more than a week or so.

Type of Scene

Often times how after care looks can vary depending on the type of scene you are doing. One’s aftercare for impact will often be difficult than a heavy humiliation scene. This is where it’s important to step back prior to the start of the scene and ask plenty of questions in negotiations.

General

There are some types of aftercare that I see occuring frequently across many types of play, so I’ve decided to talk about some of those here. The two biggest ones I’ve seen are to ensure the bottom has a bottle of water, or some form of hydration. Play sessions can be very demanding and this causes our bodies to lose water. Ensure that all individuals have some way to rehydrate themselves after a session.

Probably the second biggest one is a comfort item. This could be a plushie for some, or a comfy blanket for others. Pumpkin has a soft nightmare before christmas blanket that she has to have at the conclusion of every scene. Though we haven’t really talked about it, it’s very obvious this is one of the things that help her feel better and make her feel safe.

Impact

Impact is a very common form of play in our community, and as such it would be unfair for me to include it here. While everyone has their own form of aftercare some of the common forms I see with this type of play are water (as mentioned above) and others.

Words of affirmation tend to occur a lot here. Many can become insecure in how they performed in the session. Maybe they thought they could handle more, or go for longer. Ensuring they know they did a good job and that the top is proud of them can often help with their headspace.

Another one is gentle rubs on the area that was focused on during impact. During impact the skin can become very sensitive so giving gentle rubs can often feel pleasurable to the bottom.

Fire

With fire, many things can occur. Triggers could unintentionally be hit, burns could accidently happen, and more. When playing with fire one thing I’m sure to encourage is to include a skin moisturizer into our aftercare. This is due to the fact that fire and heat can typically dry out an individual’s skin rather quickly.

It would also be wise to address any 1st degree burns that may occur by using a burn spray or something similar.

Mindfucking

With mindfucking, often the very basis of reality is played with, this can cause a disconnect or confusion as to when the scene may have ended. While a lot of this can be covered through careful negotiation, I would still find tactics to ground everyone back in the true reality. Something to differentiate the fantasy (or nightmare) that was created and the real world.

Degradation

After a degradation scene the participants may feel a wide range of emotions. The bottom may feel bullied, broken, torn down, etc. The Top could feel like the biggest piece of crap to walk the earth.

It may be important to further establish that word uttered or action taken was nothing more than fiction. Just something to further establish the fact that everyone involved is a human and does in-fact matter.

Tops

This may come as a bit of surprise to some but, yes, Tops of scenes may need aftercare as well. Scenes can effect different individuals in different ways, and at times this can also include the Top. For example, there is one heavy top that I know and I regularly watch him do extensive impact scenes. I have seen him and his sub have an impact scene last nearly 2hrs. I made comments to Pumpkin about how I can’t imagine how his arms must be feeling.

The other night he received a massage from someone else at the local dungeon and I was speaking to him after, he said he doesn’t do any form of care after his scenes and was talking about how his arms and back were feeling great. This is kind of a proof in point. Something as simple as a light massage after a long scene can do the Top wonders.

Another thing is that some Doms may begin to feel bad or feel guilty for “hurting” someone (even though it was fully consensual). Positive reassurance that the sub enjoyed everything can go a long way to helping the Dom’s headspace.

Debriefing

Debriefing is often held separately from aftercare, but like to include it in with it. A debrief is simply a discussion on how the scene or session went. Be sure to talk about things you both enjoyed. What went well? What went poorly? Is there somehting you didn’t like?

These kinds of discussions and feedback are not meant to be to harp on things, but rather to provide constructive feedback and help you both grow and hone in on what kind of things you are both in to and whether or not you would like to play further in the future.

Remember, open and honest communication is one of the corner stones of the BDSM community!

Notes

Please keep in mind while reading through this that this is a general overview. As I told someone earlier, BDSM is a “choose your own adventure” style event. There isn’t one thing that will apply to everyone, and you will have to figure out what works for you and openly communicate that through negotiations. Everyone has different needs and wants, be honest with yourself on what that looks like for you. Also, be honest about whether you’d be able to or willing to provide that to your partner in the session.

Final Thoughts

As with all of my instructional writings, I don’t claim to be an expert at everything…or anything! If you believe some part of this is incorrect, or needs to be adjusted, or something just needs to be added to it. Then comment it below, or send me a message and I’ll be glad to make any necessary corrections.