How do you vet someone? Should you vet people? What is vetting? What is?

WHAT?!?
~Lil Jon

So these are questions that are regularly asked and I have yet to see a definitive resource, guide, or recommendation on this subject. (To be fair I haven’t really looked either) As such this is going to be the topic for my next writing! Yay!!

What is vetting?

Vetting is defined as the following:

investigate (someone) thoroughly, especially in order to ensure that they are suitable for a job requiring secrecy, loyalty, or trustworthiness.

I believe this definition is well suited for our purposes here. In our area, vetting is essentially just making sure that someone is safe. Making sure that they are not going to out somebody, harm somebody, or otherwise negatively impact the community.

Vetting is a process that is done by individuals and groups alike. Typically groups will do so prior to allowing individuals to join certain events. Organizations typically do this by requiring people to attend a certain number of munches or other public events, and getting to know the group. In return. The group gets to know them.

Individuals will vet others by watching them, checking into references, asking questions about their history, and other ways.

Should I vet others?

The question of whether or not people should vet others is another one that regularly comes up. However, I would argue that as long as you don’t play with just any and everyone you are already vetting people to some degree.

I do believe that we should vet everyone that we may potentially play with, or those that we allow into our close circles. However, I do believe that most people, especially those that are new, read too much into this and believe that there is a certain way to do this. Some way that is set in stone and only passed down from experienced Dom/sub to experienced Dom/sub.

I can assure you there is no set way. And you should not take this writing as a “DO IT THIS WAY!!” article.

How do I vet others?

Watch them

To be completely honest, the easiest way to do this is to simply watch them. When you are out at events, or at your local dungeon, pay attention to the key players there. Pay attention to those that you see regularly. Are they playing safe? Are they sticking within the sub’s parameters? Are they engaging in aftercare?

Simply watching somebody, you can gather a lot of information about them.

Ask questions

When speaking with individuals, be sure to ask them questions. Ask them about their experience, after a scene ask them about the scene they were in. Ask them about safety precautions that they have taken. Ask them what their favorite color is.

I’m serious, just ask questions. In our community it’s going to be hard to simply “bullshit” your way through. If someone truly doesn’t know, they should admit as such. Individuals that can’t admit their own ignorance, are dangerous and should not be engaged with. At least in my opinion.

Ask others / Check references

Another tool that you can use is to simply ask them for references. Ask people who their previous play partners have been. Keep in mind some may not have many, if any if they are new. And I don’t necessarily believe this should be held against them, however, they should be able to freely admit as such.

And while I am not saying that you should never play with somebody that is new to everything, I will state that additional precautions should be taken.

If someone has had previous partners, and provides them as references, be sure to send them a message or to speak with them. Ask them how their last scene was with that person. Ask them if they would ever play with that person again. Ask them if they believe that person is safe to play with.

On a similar note, if you know people in the community that you trust, ask them about that person. Ask them if they know if the person is safe or not. Ask them if they would ever play with that person. I’m sure you’re beginning to get the idea here.

Community/Group Leaders

I also want to touch on the topic of community/group leaders. They are in a leadership position after all, so clearly they are trustworthy, right? Wrong. Just because somebody is the leader of a group, or is considered a community leader does not necessarily mean that they are safe to play with.

These individuals should be vetted just like anyone else. However, due to their position, it should be a lot easier to find references, and opinions on that person’s trustworthiness.

Mutual Friends

On a similar note to community/ group leaders, I also want to talk about the subject of mutual friends. Well, it’s starting to become more commonplace on people’s profiles, just because one of your friends is friends with. Somebody, doesn’t mean that they are safe.

We meet all kinds of people and add people as friends on social media for different reasons. Simply because I am friends with somebody does not mean that they are safe to play with, in the same light. Just because your friend is friends with somebody does not mean they are safe to play with.

If you are ever curious, ask your friend about them, and treat that as a reference. Your friend may not know and may refer you to someone else, but it’s at least a good place to start.

Note on safety

Okay, so you found somebody, and you are confident that they are an individual that is safe to play with. What to do now? Maybe invite them over for a play session? No.

This is my opinion, however, I firmly believe that if you are ever to play with somebody for the first, maybe even the second or third time, always do so in an area where there are other witnesses. Such as your local dungeon, or an event, or an informal gathering.

This can protect you in many ways. First off, it can protect you from a false consent violation accusation, Should things go wrong and your consent is violated, you can be protected there, Should you get in a situation that you need help, you will have more people there to help you.

I’m only saying this for your first few times playing with a new person. Until you build up that rapport, keep play in public. That is simply my opinion.

Closing Thoughts

As with all of my writings, I want to close with the fact that I am not an expert and I do not know everything there is to know about everything. If there are experienced individuals out there that want to comment on this writing and make any type of corrections, or suggestions. I fully encourage it and welcome all constructive criticism.