One of the big things about our lifestyle is the abundance of different “activities” that we can partake in. These can be sexual or not, extremely dangerous or fairly docile. Regardless everyone has their own needs, wants, desires, and limits. Due to this it’s important that prior to play all things are communicated openly, clearly and honestly. We often times hear people talk about negotiations, and limits but rarely do we see any advice on them. I have personally seen and heard many people express confusion over what should go in to negotiations and exactly how to breach the subject with a potential play partner.

While there is no one-size-fits-all in any area of kink, I figured I could write up something real quick to give everyone a good starting ground. While this is particularly aimed at new individuals in the community, maybe even the more experienced individuals will be able to get something out of this.

Finding a play partner

Ah ha! I caught you!! I knew that’s all you were here for!! …Nah, I’m just playing. On a serious note, the topic of finding a play partner has been beat to death on here and is a little outside the scope of what I’m wanting to write about in this article. With that in mind, I’ll just say this: Go to munches, go to events, don’t be a creep, get to know people. It’s really that easy.

Negotiating

Bringing it up

Ok, so you found someone you and to play with and they want to play with you, congratulations!! That’s awesome! But now, how do you bring up negotiations? Well, just say something! Quite literally something along the lines of “Let’s negotiate our scene” or “Can we talk about what we want to do?” is plenty enough to get the ball rolling. Actually for new people, using simple words such as the second example I gave will probably be a little more inviting and less intimidating.

Focus

When negotiating it’s very easy to get sidetracked and to get off on tangents. It’s important that you ensure that any negotiation stays focused on what those involved in the scene wish to do. Anything beyond that is just wasting time and can get confusing.

On another note, if you want to engage in multiple scenes with somebody, it’s important that those be separate negotiations. Don’t negotiate and impact scene and a suspension scene together. Keep negotiations focused on what’s at hand.

Wants

Everyone has different wants and needs, and it’s important to ensure that everyone’s wants are covered. When negotiating practically anything, ensure that you convey what you want from the scene to the other individual engaged in with you. Be sure that you also get there wants from them.

I am well aware that it will be impossible to meet everybody’s wants, but you should at least be able to compromise and meet some of them. Otherwise, what’s the point in playing with them?

Limits

Everyone has limits. A limit is a very distinct boundary that is never be crossed. Limits can be things that seem small, or very large things.

To give an example of a large limit, I would have to say that being ran over by a pickup truck while laying on a bed of nails is definitely a limit for me. On the flip side, so is engaging in age play. Does this mean that I look down on, or judge any individuals that are into these? No absolutely not. These are just things that are absolutely not for me and as such I will not engage with these actions.

When negotiating anything, be sure to ask each other what your limits are. Violating someone’s limits are a guaranteed way to ensure that you will never play with them again.

Signals

When engaged in play, it’s important to have some kind of system where the parties can let each other know that something is wrong. This could easily be impacts being too intense, or as dangerous as the bottom beginning to lose feeling in a limb. As such, safe words are commonplace in our community, the most common being the traffic light system:

• Green – All good, continue.
• Yellow – Slow down or adjust. Something needs attention.
• Red – Full stop. Something is very wrong.

But it’s also important to establish non-verbal cues as well. These can be effective in situations where the bottom may not be able to speak. They may be gagged, you may be playing in a loud environment, or any other host of features that make verbal communication difficult or unfeasible.

Some examples of simple non-verbal signals are:

• Showing a thumbs down
• Holding up a certain number of fingers
• Violet and erratic shaking of the head

These are just a few, and are not ones that you have to use. Be sure to talk to the individual that you are playing with and figure out what cues work best for them.

Play type

Let’s face it, there are countless types of play out there each with their own pros and cons. As such, when you are negotiating a specific type of play, it’s important to keep in mind any potential risks that are specific to that type of play.

Be sure to get ahead of these. For example, whenever I’m negotiating fireplay, or fire cupping I’m sure to inform the other individual of all of the potential risks and the methods I take to mitigate such risks.

For example, with fire cupping, is it possible for me to burn them? Yes, yes it is. However, by keeping the fire away from them, keeping a first aid kit nearby, keeping a fire extinguisher nearby, keeping a fire blanket nearby, etc. are ways that I mitigate this risk and less in the potential impact of it.

This is doubly true for somebody that may have not engaged in this type of play before, or may have but just in a different way. Be sure to talk about these.

Aftercare

Aftercare can be critical for some people, it’s important that this right here is also discussed. Be sure to talk about any specific aftercare that both parties need, or feel free to recommend aftercare for certain things.

For example, whenever I do fire play, I tend to apply a moisturizer to the bottom’s skin since fire typically tends to dry out the skin a lot. While this is not required, It is something that I prefer and I always discuss with whomever I may be playing with. If they do not want it I do not have to do it, but will explain why I believe it’s important.

Even if aftercare does not involve you, be sure that they have something lined up so they can be taken care of. This can be referred to as after care about proxy, if they are simply playing with you but they have a partner at the same event, their partner can perform the aftercare.

Play

Negotiated boundaries

After negotiation when doing play, it’s important that you remain within the boundaries that were negotiated. Did the bottom say that something is not okay? Don’t do it. Is there something you would like to do in the scene that you failed to mention during negotiations? Don’t do it.

The last one there can be aggravating at times and I understand that, sometimes we forget. But this is where you can always talk to them afterwards, about maybe doing another scene at another time and including that part into it.

Remember, engaging in play outside of established boundaries, can be a quick way to get yourself exiled from your local community.

Check ins

Anytime playing with somebody new, or trying a new type of play with somebody that’s not new, it is important to conduct check-ins. A check-in is more than just “are you ok?”. A check in can cover a wide range of things. Are you okay physically? Are you okay mentally? Is the temperature in the room okay for you?

I am not saying that you have to ask all of these questions, but simply asking them how are they feeling is a good check in.

If you don’t want to interrupt the scene too much, you can also establish non-verbal check-ins. PumpkinTitssss and I have a system where I can tap her two times in quick succession, and she knows that I’m asking if she is all right. She can respond with the head nod, or a thumbs up, or thumbs down. And this allows me to check in with her, without interrupting the scene or pulling either one of us from a headspace.

Fuck ups

Fuck ups happen. They’re going to happen to everyone at some point in time. If you ever run into somebody that has never once had a fuck up and they are not new… they’re bullshitting you.

Fuckups can come in a variety of ways. Say a toy breaks and accidentally hits the bottom in a place that was off limits. What if you thought something was okay, but turns out it wasn’t? What if you shit yourself in the middle of the scene?

The important thing to take away is to not intentionally fuck up. But when you do, own it. Do not make excuses, do not try to reason it away, take responsibility. If you can fix it, do whatever necessary too. If you can’t fix it, at least apologize and learn from it.

Remember that we are all humans, and humans are subject to error.

After play

Another note that I don’t see talked about much is what happens after you play? I’m talking hours after the aftercare has already taken place?

What I typically do, if I play with anybody after about a day or two I will get in touch with them and be sure that they are still doing okay. Make sure that they’re not having any complications from the play that you had. Make sure that it didn’t negatively affect their mood, or trigger any depression, etc.

If something did, it’s important to try and address it if you can. Whether that be through reassurance, or meeting up with them (if they are comfortable with that). I would say do what you can to take care of them.

Final thoughts

As with all of my instructional writings, I don’t claim to be an expert at everything…or anything! If you believe some part of this is incorrect, or needs to be adjusted, or something just needs to be added to it. Then comment it below, or send me a message and I’ll be glad to make any necessary corrections.